fire

so i'm falling.

or it feels like i am. down a pit, the sides are uneven like its been dug in a hurry, and i'm hurtling down.

the wind hurts, but not as much as the sides do. there should be room to fall but i hit the sides all the time.

the acid is with me. it doesn't hurt, because it's mine. keeping it in is difficult, because it's acid. you can't do anything with it except make it stronger or destroy things.

i don't want either.

but why is it mine to deal with?

it's not mine.

it's yours. and if i asked it to, it would kill you.

my candleflame is going out. it's so small, where once it made a glorious light.

did i fuck this up or did you?

why is it even important?

why can't you leave me alone in my own head?

headaches and back aches and stomach pains.

these are where thinking leads.

if the flame goes out, so do i.

and i'll never get it lit again.

maybe that would be better. flames just attract attention.

today I let some of my anger at you out.

and shit.

there's a lot of it.

and there's nowhere to send it.

it's backed up and stuck. it's huge.

i didn't think there was room for this much rage in me.

you did a fantastically shit thing to me, and you don't deserve this rage.

but if you don't deserve it, why is it all for you?

i hope we never meet again.

i don't want to be responsible for your pain.

Inarticulatable

Taken from a long way away

and time doesn't seem subject

but always the effort involved

seems worth it.

I am tired of this. Because looking back at this blog is like looking back on mistakes and sad times.

My head is mostly full when I am thinking about you all.

Words cannot express.

About A Girl

That feeling's back.

It's not as strong as it was. But it's there.

I miss you.

You haven't been around lately, and I miss you.

I'm unafraid to say it.

But let's be honest. You don't miss me. You're happy with who you are.

And I'm scared and upset over how easy it's become to accept that of people.

That they leave.

They disappoint.

They fuck up and leave you disenchanted.

This is stone.

This is hardness.

And I can't change the way people think.

The way people are.

The way you used to look at me was all in my head.

The way you look through me now is all that's left.

And I am savagely glad.

xxxx

You had the aptitude to return sentiment,

but not the inclination to act on it.

Cowardice? Apathy? Manipulation?

Now we'll never know.

'Fortune favours the brave.'

help

im trapped in my own life.

Ex

glances

enticing yet not

challenging and teasing

but remaining stoic and stubborn and all the things that torture.

your voice is snowfall, as you say

'you have never been right for me.'

One for sadness

It's because there's so much associated with them, I think.

But it's weird how

I've lived almost twenty one years

and in all that time I never really saw

how beautiful

magpies are.

Drag

this will be painful.

but the purges have been worse than this, always worse,

and you've survived them.

this time, unlike others

it is a conscious choice.

tomorrow is composed of maybes.

September

Evades your misconceptions and flees earthly blight,

Your ailment

Your cholera.

Not conventional, nor chic,

that would be too easy.

Is it ever easy?

Don't answer that.

Intolerable stupidity and

righteous disappointment do battle

for thrones

of nearly gold.

Animal

Takes the time away from other thoughts

and intrudes on you from night time.

Did you forget?

Subconscious is always awake. Always thinking.

Always making connections and taking away from the sane self.

It's silent.

But now it jabbers excitedly.

And you realise

That thing that's been bothering you isn't cumbersome or negative.

It's not apathy

to be in love with what you are

not what you should be.

remember

you heard regina spektor in a dream once.

Hey

The future is coming.
You're brave and strong.
The future is endless.
Go climb a tree.
The future is tomorrow.
Stop thinking so hard about what that means.
The future is tiny compared to now.
Enjoy this second, you won't get one like it again.
The future is composed of existences.
Is yours worth living for?
The future is a bloodless battle.
Draw your sword.
The future is an adventure

What the fuck are you waiting for?

To Be Honest...

the feeling has become so normal
i have been forgetting it's there.

Wax Wings and Missing Myths

Icarus flew for a great ideal,
Hercules' strength was strong as steel,
Aquarius swam in paler shores,
Oedipus went against nature's laws,
Time wears beards as old as man,
to avert a war, Phidippides ran.
Rhyme and Reason shaped the fold,
were locked away by logic, cold.
Minds unravel, thick and fast,
Old and slow, until the last,
where calm and clarity end our space,
we see the final days of grace.
What are the myths that shape the fold?
Just words of courage? Words of old?

Saved Draft

And we took them back as masters
we said their word was law
locked in cages
of iron
and words
to the ends of the earth we saw
They placed us in glass
they stole all our voices
they made us all too blind to see
that all is not lost, or broken or gone.
Till the end of their chains
we are free.

... But not reason.

I've been told I write like spillage, the ends of which doth fray,
and to make a part of hist'ry, the games of rhyme I play,
I have no inclination, nor talent at this sport,
but hold my fingers, stay my tongue I must for this retort.
Exceptional the window through which I see words in hue,
not brown nor black, nor brighter things, not grey or green or blue,
the colours of this rhyme you'll find, transcend your earthly sight,
unless you, like I, see words as treats, and not as curse or blight.
By now you've read, and of the rhyme, I've broken all the rules,
I've twisted, warped, and snapped the lines, words take us all for fools.
End it soon, I feel I must, for endings make a start,
and in its end, the rhyme goes on, never to depart.
Ha.

Transvector

Ails you, the ground, the floor, the tiny grits beneath your soles
wishing you could but lift a little, lift as you've always wished to
perhaps you need more than what you have
perhaps you are imperfect
or unclean
perhaps everyone else can fly when you aren't looking.
perhaps many things. it does not change the wish, to grab his hand
and rise like two angels in the night.

Impressions

The first time I saw you, nothing happened.
No white bright bolt of thought.
No pull at the midriff, no twang of the synapse, nothing like that.
Lights didn't come on, darkness didn't overcome me, I didn't blush, worry, panic or smile.
In fact I felt vaguely embarrassed about something.
As though I should have washed, or I was not wearing the right clothes. A lot had built up to this.
My mind and thoughts blew apart when I glanced back, and realised how intense your eyes could be.
I saw you the first time.
The second time, I saw more.

Elation Relation

I feel like jumping out a window and becoming the darkness
I feel like making paint and drawing the inside of my mind
I feel like eating pastrami cuz I've never had it before
I feel like putting on all the lights in the house
I feel like shaking hands with a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, and an enemy, in that order
I feel like a hug
I feel like a human with hands, brain, tunnels, sight and intelligence average at best, but sharp in all directions
i don't feel like capitalising
I feel like tonight might be the best night of my life
I feel like tomorrow might be better
I feel happy, and creative, and flowy, and there are things in my head that are made of all the colours I can imagine, and none I can't
I feel like getting on a train to nowhere and everywhere at the same time
I feel like tea
I feel tired
I feel like I shall go to bed now.